Wear a fanny pack, drive a Prius,
attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes.
And if you find yourself forced to talk to a woman,
quickly find a way to mention the fact that you're married.
It doesn't even have to make sense.
Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He's totally fucking married.
So I can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women?
What the hell is that?
Marriage.
I think that's everything.
You got any more questions?
Do you ever have any free time?
Have you listened to a single word I've said?
There is no free time.
And at the end of the day, do you know what you get?
A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with?
Sometimes you wish.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hi.
SABRINA: Did you hear the good news?
Kinkabe and Amalgamated agreed to go into binding mediation in two days.
Hold up. What do you mean? Two days?
So, I'll have my briefs on your desk by lunch.
That puts my balls on your chin by dinner.
That, right there, is Schedule IV sexual harassment.
Awesome!
I'm sorry, have we met?
No, we haven't. I'm Mitch Planko.
Hi, Sabrina McKay.
Hey, Sabrina.
Hold on.
You two guys should go out. What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man!
DAVE: Please stop. MITCH: You two guys need to go out.
Absolutely, you two should go out.
You're so single, Mitch, right?
And you're so fucking white-hot, right? This body.
Did you do a lot of swimming in college?
Don't answer that. You bet she did.
Oh, my God, you guys need to go out,
have a nice steak dinner, do some dancing,
go to a Korean nightclub, get a belly full of pills.
I don't know what you're into, but just have some fun.
What about Ecco on 7th Street, Saturday at 8:3O?
Great? Great!
He's totally free, so he's going to meet you there.
Don't fuck on the roof, though.
That place has got this non-resin tar
that's a bastard to wash off.
So, just oral.
Yes, you're thinking about it.
She's in.
This is good.
You're going to get me fired! I swear to God.
Shut it down. For one second, you listen to me.
For the first time in your life,
you're fucking good-looking, okay?
You're single, you got the right number of fucking balls in that bag,
and you got the opportunity to nail number one on your cancer list.
I can't do that. I'm not doing it.
You need this! This is fucking dinner with her!
This is so good.
I mean, what's going on between us,
it's just crazy, crazy.
Here's what's crazier, not using it. (EXHALES)
Not using it on her.
You use it for her, you use it for you,
and maybe a little bit for me, you know?
Remind yourself of that. Remind yourself
of the big, fucking crater you created right there on Tuesday night.
Oh, the Tuesday night, again. I could use that.
She'd fit perfectly in there. Will you please drop that?
Every day with the Tuesday night! Well, it's a big goddamn deal!
You fucked me! You owe me! Respect my life!
Respect mine.
Yeah, you respect your life.
Fine! I am proud of you.
Just promise me, you listened to every word I said.
I heard everything. Every single syllable, you got it?
Did you hear everything I said?
Caught a few things. Yeah, just enough.
You betcha. You go have a good time, little girl.
I got your life all put away here, nice and safe.
(PHONE RINGING) Answer my phone.
Hello.
Hi, Mitch Planko.
Bingo! Who the fuck is this?
What?
Dad? Hello?
(STAMMERING)
Is this Mitch's dad? Is this Mitch, Sr?
Dave? Hi, this is Dave Lockwood.
Why are you calling me?
I just wondered if we can get together for a little while today.
Boy, it's a work day. Half an hour.
I look different. I don't like my outfit today.
Dave, half an hour.
Mitch, Sr. wants to sit down with Dave Lockwood.
Yeah. Why?
I need to talk to you about Mitch.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello.
Dave. How are you?
Good, thank you.
What are we doing here? When was the last time the two of us saw each other?
I don't care. Listen.
I'm getting married to a very beautiful woman named Pamela.
Her name's Pamela? Yes.
Wow, you can say "I do" in English this time.
What? Is Pamela from America?
Yes.
Anyway...
I'm not going to have anybody there.
The only family I have is Mitch.
I went to his apartment a couple of days ago
and told him that Pamela would like him
to say a few words at the wedding
and that wasn't true.
Truth of the matter is, I would like him to say a few words,
if he could find it in his heart to do so.
I don't know why you don't tell him yourself.
That is a very nice thing for a son to hear.
So, you want me to go tell Mitch
that you would like him at the wedding.
He's going to say, "Why the hell does
"he want me there? He thinks I'm an idiot."
Well, that's not totally true.
I think he's got some nice qualities.
I think he's got some problem areas, too.
What are those?
You're his friend, you know him as well as I do.
You probably know him better than I do. He's a quitter!
He has never finished anything in his life.
He picks up something, he puts it down.
He's good at it for five minutes, and it's gone.
He's flaccid. No gumption. No get-up-and-go.
His accomplishments could rest comfortably on an eyelash.
Oh, he'd probably say, "Fuck you ," if he heard you say that.
Well, maybe he would and maybe he wouldn't.
But I want him to be part of my life.
With all due respect, Mr. Planko, you don't know Mitch.
What you don't realize about him
is that he's a fucking Jedi!
A what? He's a Jedi Knight, sir.
And next time you see him, he's going to be slitting throats.
(CAR ALARM BEEPS)
Fuck!
I'm not a fucking quitter!
(ENGINE REVS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(BABY CRYING)
All right, let's do this.
Good morning, Patty-cakes.
Daddy needs a box set of Law & Order,
three meatball subs and a hand-folded,
24-inch samurai sword, chop-chop.
What are you doing?
I got this one. I got it.
Back to bed.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SQUEALING)
MAN: You are in dire financial need!
Objection!
(EXCLAIMING)
Sustained.
(YELLING)
(BOTH cRYING)
(SCREAMS)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Excuse me.
Hi.
Fuck me, she's cute.
Here comes the battement.
(ALL GASPING)
Fucking nice, Cara!
Sweet!
(WHOOPING)
That bitch bounced. Beautiful!
Man alive! That's my daughter, bitches!
Dad's very proud. Keep going.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
MITCH: Oh, I mean, what did we learn from this?
Always solve my problems with violence.
That's bingo, baby! Five, up high.
No! Yes!
No, that is not the lesson that we learned, Cara.
It is!
Violence is cool.
Dave. Kidding.
I'm not kidding.
She did make a pretty funny sound, though,
when she hit the ground like that. Yes, she did!
But don't make a habit out of that, okay?
I know. All right.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, little girl.
MITCH: Hey.
That ass looks real hot, you know.
You like my ass?
Yeah. Tight as a drum.
Wouldn't mind putting my drumstick in it.
Ooh! Really? Ha. Keep going. (CHUCKLES)
I like how big and fat those tits have gotten.
This little calf wants to get her mouth on the udders.
And I think that I want you to fuck me like you just got out of jail.
Roger that.
And you don't even have to go down on me because I know it's late.
Appreciate it. All right, turn around.
Oh! What are you doing? Here we go.
What do you mean? I thought you said you wanted to have some sex.
Yeah, but not like two dudes at a rest stop, okay?
Okay, I got it. Want to go grab me three Q-tips?
How about we just do what we always do?
What, do you mean with a lot of eye-Contact and real personal?
Uh-huh. Come here. I love you.
Yeah. Oh, don't say that.
Let's not... How about no talking, okay?
We can do some silent sex. Seriously.
Kiss me. No, no, no. No talking.
All right, let me kiss a shoulder first. Okay? Okay.
There you go. Where's that hand going?
Hello! Did you shave your balls?
Who doesn't love a couple of smooth criminals?
Is that why there was all that pubic hair in the drain?
I would bet, yeah. Why are you still soft?
I don't know. Can we try the no-talking for just, like, three minutes?
That's all it's gonna take, okay?
Let's do it like we did it on our wedding night.
No, no, no. Jamie, what are you talking about, our fucking wedding night?
God! I can't do this! Why not?
I cannot believe I can't do this!
What the hell is happening? God damn it!
What?
You don't want to have sex with me?
Yeah, I want to have sex with you.
I've wanted to have sex with you since the sixth grade!
I mean, you should be a mess by now,
but things are not... Well, let's do it!
(SIGHS) This is new.
Sorry, Jamie.
I think I'm in over my head.
I think I'm way in over my head. I got this fucking house,
and a job, and a family.
I've got you, I've got the Kids, and I've got a fucking carpool. And rules!
I've got these fucking rules, half of which I don't even understand.
This is impossible. I don't know how to be this man.
I'm sorry.
Sorry. That's okay.
Come here.
Yeah, it's fantastic in here.
It's very warm. I think I remember this.
Mmm-hmm.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Dave Lockwood.
Mitch! Where the hell are you?
It's been two days. I gotta know what's going on with Jamie.
Call me back.
What the hell is he doing?
(WOMAN TALKING ON PA)
Mitch. Hi.
Jamie. What are you doing here?
I come here every Saturday after yoga. What are you doing here?
I am plowing the crap out of this chick around the corner,
and now we're gonna have dinner. We're gonna make some scallops,
and then it's going to get ugly. This chick is a mess.
Why do you have to talk like that? You have such a sweet side.
You should let people into your sweet side.
Yeah. Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
The other night, you were in a pretty dark place.
Oh, yeah. I know.
How's that going with Dave?
Is he treating you a little bit better?
Yeah. He's been very sweet.
Really open and communicative... Good.
He held my hand all night while we slept last night.
Attaboy!
Did you tell Dave to shave his balls?
Uh...
Don't act like you didn't tell him. I know it came from you.
Don't be a bad influence on him.
I though you two might like that.
No, I don't like that. It needs some coverage.
Yeah, I'll tell him to grow it out.
It was really great seeing you. You okay?
I'm good. In fact, I'm much... Much better now.
Good. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Okay, I'm awake.
Fuck it.
(PARTS)
(LOUD PLOP)
(CHUCKLES)
MAN: Hello, I'm trying to find... Oh, come on!
Look, bring it to me in the office. I don't care.
Relax, I'll be there. Yes, sir.
Just look at... This is important. Taxi!
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
(CHEERING)
Thank you.
Thank you, America.
ALL: Whoa!
(SIGHS)
I've got my eye on you!
(GIRL SQUEALING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Go for Lockwood.
Mitch, I'm panicking over here.
I haven't been on a date in 18 years.
I'm drowning in my own fear.
Relax and calm down.
Don't tell me to relax! You did this to me. I can't do it, okay?
Don't move, I'll be right there.
Mitch?
Hey.
How do I look?
Just grow a mustache and lure a child into your van.
Where did you find that shit?
The back of your closet.
Put it back!
These are called jeans.
They've been popular with America's youth for over 60 years.
Jeans to a restaurant? Yeah, jeans to a restaurant.
Look who else can hit.
In order to feel confident, you got to look good, okay?
This is a vest, put that on.
Okay, this is called gel or product.
Too little, you look like a pedophile,
too much and you look Persian.
Mitch, I have done everything that you have asked of me.
I got the jeans on, I got the vest, the gel in my hair...
You look great. ... but I am not going to do this.
Yes, you are going to do this. Why do I have to do this?
Because it shows that you're considerate,
that you're clean, that you're American.
Why do you even care? It's my body!
It's my body right now!
I'm scared!
There, we have it.
Nobody ever needs to know that this happened, Mitch.
(SHAVER BUZZING)
Boy, real tempting to kiss my own dick.
Ah, that tickles.
Shh, you're jiggling the sac.
Oh, you're going to go all the way back there, huh?
We're going to dinner, not Rio.
AH right. You got any extra batteries?
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi.
Mitch. How are you?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Okay.
So... (CLEARS THROAT)
What the weather?
Listen, the only reason I'm here
is because my boss told me to be.
This is not a date. This is not a "get to know you."
This is just me trying to save my job.
I'm going to go.
Just sit the fuck back down.
I showered, I showed up, I'm starving and I could use a drink.
How long have you known Dave?
My whole life, actually.
And have you ever seen him act like he did yesterday?
Like a super-douche?
(LAUGHS) BOTH: Yeah.
Uh, I have, at times.
But I'm really hoping that he didn't say anything to offend you.
He totally did.
But I like being offended, just usually after work.
Wow.
Here's the bottle you ordered, sir. Excellent.
Mmm-mmm, send that shit back.
Bring us two Macallan 25s, neat.
Right away, ma'am. Right away.
So, let me ask you something.
It's a question.
How do you like working with Dave?
How is he?
I love it.
I mean, he's a brilliant lawyer.
He's the best.
(CHUCKLES) Actually, if you must know,
I used to kind of have a crush on Dave.
(CRINGES) Oh, no, you didn't!
(BOTH LAUGHING) You're funny.
I mean, obviously, he's married, so...
Right, obviously, obviously, obviously.
Super-married. What do you do, Mitch?
Me? For a living? Yeah.
You know, I am...
I...
When I'm not eating hummus and ferociously masturbating,
I dabble in light porn.
I hear that's a growth industry. Yeah!
I'm just going to get everything on the dessert menu.
I'm going to order, like, six desserts.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no! (LAUGHING)
Do I have anything in my teeth?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
DAVE: That's a lot of sugar.
Yeah. A lot of scotch! (EXHALES FORCEFULLY)
Yeah. That was a lot of fun, is what it really was.
Was? What, are we done?
It's only 2:00!
No! I'm just messing with you.
(LAUGHING) No, let's...
We'll go to a rave or something. You want to get raving?
People raving right now?
Let's rave! Yeah.
I forgot about raves!
Man, I'm messing with you.
Go and do that? No.
I do have an idea. Uh-huh.
What do you think about doing something
that we will really, really regret in the morning?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You into it?
Yeah, we can definitely do that.
(LAUGHING) Okay!
Okay. Let's go. (SIGHS) All right, let's go.
(WHISPERING) Fuck, fuck, fuck!
(MACHINE BUZZING) (SABRINA MOANING)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(CONTINUES MOANING)
(GROANING)
Oh, God!
Oh. Wow. Really?
Are you sure that's what you want?
Absolutely. I like that.
You're okay with that being on your body for, like, forever?
I feel pretty good about it.
How is yours down there?
It's good.
It tickles a little.
Rico. Yo.
What do you think of this turn, man?
I don't know, man.
Ask Tommy. Tommy!
TOMMY: Yeah, man.
Check this out, man.
(GIGGLING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
You never did tell me about your childhood.
Really? Now?
With the Sons of Anarchy between your...
Um, let's see here...
Tommy, Rico. Hey, guys.
We are sightseeing now.
Let's move it along, please. Come on.
You are such a gentleman.
Now you only have one ponytailed ex-convict between your legs,
so everything is fine.
(SABRINA LAUGHS)
I'm kidding. I was absolutely joking.
I love your ponytail. And that little pirate beard.
Sun kidding. (EXHALES)
(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)
That's me, there.
This is you. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, that is nice. Thanks.
Yeah.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Hey, Mitch?
Yeah.
Are you going to call me?
I thought you said this wasn't a date.
Things change.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
That's a cute tie. Thank you.
You should wear that to the party.
What party?
Our anniversary party.
Our anniversary party? Why the fuck wasn't I...
What about Mitch?
You said you didn't want him to come.
I did? Yeah.
You said you were really embarrassed of him.
That's why I didn't invite him.
I can't believe I don't remember that.
You also said that you thought
that he would get hammered
and hit on all of our married friends, be mean to my grandma
and turn the whole thing into a key party.
Once, that happened.
And you said he would force everyone to do Kamikaze shots,
spike the punch with ecstasy,
give all the girls breast exams and...
That was the same party.
Hmm. Weird.
Maybe we should talk about your bad memory at Dialogue Night.
Stilton Coffee House tonight. Don't forget.
Okay. Okay?
Bye.
(LAUGHS)
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
(GRUNTS)
Hello.
This is District Manager Carla Nelson
from the Atlanta Department of Parks.
Oh, yeah.
Well, we have found that fountain.
It's been moved to 1100 Peachtree Boulevard.
You found it. Okay, well...
(STAMMERS) Okay, we'll be there soon.
All righty, then. Have a good day.
Thank you.
Hi. Hi.
How are you?
Good. Just on my way to see Dave.
Actually,
all the senior staff is going to be at the mediation tomorrow.
So, I snagged Flemming's seats
to the Marlins-Braves game.
You, me, beer, baseball.
What more could a guy want?
(GROANS)
Don't take this the wrong way.
I would really love to go to that game with you, but I don't...
(ANGRILY) Are you breaking up with me?
What? I'm messing with you. (LAUGHING)
Oh!
Look, it is just a baseball game.
They're dugout seats.
Whatever you have to do, cancel it.
Hey.
They found the fountain.
Yeah, they did. She called me, too.
Yeah.
So...
Good news.
Yeah, it's good news.
Awesome.
We should probably go, you know, take a piss.
Yeah, yeah, let's do it.
Yeah.
Except... Except?
Except, the mediation is tomorrow,
and I've been working my ass off on that.
Yeah, you've been working real hard on that.
And I want to prove to myself
and to people
that I can see that through.
And you should. Yeah.
You deserve that.
What are you saying?
We could wait.
You want to wait? We could wait a day.
Push it a day? Or a week?
We should wait to switch. We can do it...
A month? Yeah.
It's time.
Really, what is time?
Come here, Dave.
Come on, buddy. (BOTH GROAN)
This went so well. Yeah, it did.
It's kind of surprising.
Very surprising.
If they offer you one red cent over $700 million,
you accept that. Got it?
Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I?
Why wouldn't you?
Great! Good!
What's the worst that can happen? Nothing can happen!
I think it's fine.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Dave Lockwood.
Did you forget something?
Who is this? Your wife.
Oh.
Ummm. Did I forget something? I don't know. What?
Never mind.
It's the mediation tomorrow, so I'm under it.
I can't play.
So, how did it go? How much money is it?
Just two hours, so, 14 bucks.
Great.
Sorry you got stood up.
He just forgot.
Yeah, that's what I meant. (LAUGHS)
He forgot me at the coffee shop
when all I wanted to do was go and talk to him.
Which isn't a lot to ask, do you think?
What do you want me to say?
Well, have you ever been stood up by a man?
Not really. Uh-huh.
Our parents drive us places, though, so...
Bottom line, Katie,
is work always comes first,
and we always come second.
And I don't think that's ever going to change.
I've got to go home now
because I have this Spanish test, so...
I can write you a note.
I guess deep down,
I'm afraid that I'll keep compromising
until getting the shit end feels normal.
And then I'll be so beaten down by life
that, just for a second, I will consider asking
the homeless guy at the car wash who looks like Kris Kristofferson
to rub my shoulders.
And I will, and he will.
And you know what? It'll be wonderful.
And I'll love it.
Because why not?
(CRYING) I mean, I'm not getting anything here.
Nobody's fucking me here.
You know, Katie, this is exactly why people get divorced.
I'm so sorry.
That was way out of line.
Do you want some ice cream?
I'm not getting any closer to leaving, am I?
No.
(ORGAN PLAYING GAME TUNES)
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
Wow!
It's looking good out there.
Hudson loves the sinker. He's been crushing them all year.
Listen to you, you are a big baseball fan!
Yeah, huge.
I didn't know that about you.
I was Phil Niekro for Halloween three years in a row as a kid.
No way! Phil Niekro is my number one favorite of all time!
Why is my voice so high?
(LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Thank you for coming in today.
My name is Erin Walsh,
and I'll be mediating your claim.
Any and all agreements made during this mediation are binding
and carry with them the full rights
and responsibilities of the law
as stated in Federal Code 325 A, Section 4.
(INAUDIBLE)
Kinkabe agrees in principle to the terms of the sale
and valuates your company at $625 million.
This is their best and final offer.
TED: There is no way we can make this deal.
FLEMMING: Six-twenty-five is not the end of the world.
You've just got to know when it's time to quit.
Fuck that noise. We are not quitting.
I think you can do better, Ted.
I beg your pardon.
I don't see anybody headed for the door.
This is just like trying to fuck a Catholic girl who keeps saying,
"No, I don't want to. I'm really drunk and you're circumcised."
But she keeps on making out with you,
she's not leaving your Fiero...
It means she really wants to.
She just needs a little bit of a nudge.
A little bit of a coax, little bit of a tickle.
Just to rationalize it to herself, to her God.
Do you know what I mean?
No, Dave. We most definitely do not know what you mean.
Okay. What I mean is,
they want to spend more, they just don't know it, all right?
If this really was their final offer,
they'd be leaving, but they're not.
They're sticking around. They've got more money to spend.
She wants to unroll that rubber at the bottom of her purse
that she put in there three semesters ago.
How much more do you think we can get out of them?
Ten million? Fifteen?
Pull those panties to the side, Ted, and take a hundred more.
What?
Do not listen to him, Ted. He is beyond reckless.
If we make too large a counter offer, we risk driving them away.
Ted, it doesn't hurt to ask.
You would not believe the nasty shit
I get these girls to do, just by asking.
Honestly, it's revolting.
It does seem odd that they're not leaving.
Punch her in the seat.
You can tell Kinkabe we want an extra 100 million.
And that is our final offer, because we're leaving.
Fuel the jet, let's go.
For the record, I did not support that decision. (ERIN SHOUTING)
Sir!
Sir, Mr. Kinkabe has agreed to $725 million.
The deal is closed!
(WHOOPING)
Oh, my God!
(ALL CHEERING)
What did I tell you?
(ALL CHATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God!
Wow.
Are you glad you came now?
Am I glad I came? It's like the greatest day of my life!
(LAUGHING) (THUNDER RUMBLING)
Where did that come from?
Hang on, hang on, I got it.
Oh, no, they are going to call it.
MITCH: Man, this is amazing. I can't believe they're making me partner.
I'm the greatest lawyer, ever.
What a day. (LAUGHS)
So, now you can be happy.
Do you think they are going to give me a medal?
Could you imagine an engraved sword?
Honestly, I'd be happy with anything engraved.
A sword or a spear.
Even a shield would be good.
Slap it, Cara. Cara.
FLEMMING: We are gathered here tonight
to celebrate the newest partner in our esteemed firm.
David Andrew Lockwood
was born on March 25th, 1974.
By all accounts, Dave was a sweet,
diligent, hardworking little boy.
(LAUGHING)
Wow.
Yeah, I know.
I love it.
Why?
It reminds me of high school.
I feel like I'm about to lose my virginity.
(LAUGHS) Bathroom?
Yeah, right there.
(MOUTHING)
Do you want a drink or something?
(STAMMERS) Or warm clothes or I can get you a drink?
No, it's okay. We'll have one after.
Okay. After what?
Relax, Mitch, you're going to get laid tonight. (LAUGHS)
FLEMMING: In high school, Dave graduated first in his class.
After winning a full scholarship to Princeton,
Dave, amazingly, graduated in just three years.
And after graduating from Yale Law School with honors,
Dave clerked for Justice Souter
on the United States Supreme Court.
Work is hard.
I like going to baseball games
and drinking too much, and getting tattoos at 3:00 in the morning.
Yeah.
Boot. Take it off.
We were not put on this earth to work, breed and die.
No, we were not... Don't interrupt me, handsome.
We are here to have fun.
Right? Yeah.
Boot.
I just think there's too many rules.
Think about all the amazing experiences that we miss out on
because we're so worried about what other people will think.
Why can't I be a professional, successful woman
who sleeps with someone she just met?
You know?
I haven't heard a word you said
since you took your pants off.
Shirt.
You smell like lemons.
(LAUGHS) I do smell like lemons.
Oh, God, you're nervous. I like that.
Your leg is shaking.
That's not my leg.
Take off my bra.
All Of it?
Just the parts covering the breasts.
That's a good start.
(DAVE GRUNTS)
Oh, that's great.
At the end of the day...
Holy shit!
...I am just tired of over-thinking things.
I'm tired of over-thinking things, too.
We should just do what we want to do.
Let's do it. Let's just do it.
FLEMMING: The only thing Dave loves more than the law
is his beautiful wife, Jamie.
Their life is like a fairy tale
made even more perfect by their three adorable children.
(DISTANTLY) So, as we celebrate one partnership tonight...
Look, Daddy, it's you and me.
(INDISTINCT)
...would bring most men to their knees,
but not Dave.
He excelled on all fronts,
putting the rest of us to shame.
I didn't earn this.
The /aw may be the first thing on Dave's mind,
but his family has always been the first thing in his heart.
What should we do with each other, Mitch?
Oh, God, everything.
(LAUGHS)
We could...
Is that a...
Is that a many-spotted skipperling?
Yeah.
Mmm.
You can have whatever you want.
What do you want to do?
I want to go home.
What?
I want to go home.
What? I don't...
I got a meeting. I got to go.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Lockwood residence.
Where is Dave?
Dave is at the country club. They made him partner.
(CARS HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
FLEMMING: A brilliant attorney,
loving husband,
devoted father.
It is my distinct honor
to introduce to you,
our newest partner, David Lockwood.
Way to go, Dave.
Congratulations, Dave.
You deserve it.
This is not my life.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
ls she kissing the wrong guy?
I know it's weird. Just go with it.
We tried to tell you.
You ready to take a piss?
You bet your ass I am.
I love you, pumpkin.
(EXHALES)
(HORNS BLARING)
Are you sure this is the address?
Yeah, this is the place.
You got to be kidding me. Oh, wow.
Jesus Christ, it's like the whole city is in here tonight.
Okay, let's just do this. Come on.
How are we supposed to get this done?
You just be super cool...
(BOTH UNZIPPING) ... and don't draw attention to yourself.
Why aren't you peeing?
I got a lot of people around me.
Don't yell at me. I'm all locked up.
No one is even looking at us. We're fine.
Mommy, that man is peeing in the fountain!
(ALL MURMURING)
Oh, my God.
The cat is out of the bag, buddy. You got to go now.
Why don't you take a picture? Mitch!
Come on!
It's snipped. Mitch! Mitch!
By the way, why didn't you invite me to your anniversary party?
Okay, look...
I feel really bad about that
but can we talk about that at another time?
There is a girl scout staring at my penis.
I want to talk about it right now.
Really?
Are you embarrassed of me?
I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, I was.
But I'm not any more.
I'm actually proud of you, Mitch.
Really?
Really.
(GROANS IN RELIEF)
(CROWD GASPING)
Attaboy!
I think that's what had me all locked up.
Hey!
Shit, we got security on us.
We got to do this right now.
Three, two, one...
BOTH: I wish I had my old life back!
What did they say?
Do you feel any different? No, go again.
BOTH: I wish I had my old life back!
Oh, shit! Come on, guy!
We are running out of time here. Three, two, one...
BOTH: I wish I had my old life back!
MITCH: Bingo! DAVE: Nice! Let's go, this way!
I'm peeing all over people, slow down!
WOMAN: Watch it!
MITCH: Excuse me, I'm sorry. Pardon me.
(ALL MURMURING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.
Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I'm back.
Pumpkin, wake up.
Can you wake up, baby? I'm back, I'm back.
Oh, my God, I missed you so much. Oh, honey.
Okay, I owe you an explanation for last night.
I owe you an apology for this week.
And most importantly, I owe you a fix for the last five years.
Honey, things are changing, I promise.
You and the kids mean everything to me. Nothing is more important.
In fact, I'm going to quit my job.
I'm going to work today, I'm going to quit my job.
I'm going to apply to Kinko's, all right?
Or maybe Chick-fil-A or Waffle House? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on, just a second. Foot Locker?
It is the middle of the night. Shh.
All right, I don't know what's going on with you two dorks.
That's enough.
I don't want you to quit your job.
What are you talking about?
You love your job and you love the law.
I love that about you.
I just want you to come home for dinner.
I know. And Dialogue Night.
And to see the kids.
And I want you to want to be here.
I do. You have no idea.
You don't have to get all, like,
"I'm going to quit my job."
(BABY RESUMES CRYING)
It's my turn. No, no, no.
Back to bed. They're mine.
I love you.
Hi!
Look who's up.
Good morning.
Hi, my little man.
(LAUGHING) And how are you this morning, little princess?
Good morning.
How was your sleep?
Yeah, I know.
Okay, she's first.
She's a little bit more vocal.
Right?
Are you trying to tell me you've got a little surprise?
Did you make me something special?
Daddy.
Hi, sugarbug, come here.
Give me a hug, sweetie.
(GROANS) Good morning.
You smell like a pillow.
Stay here, talk to me. Sit on that chair.
Tell me about school.
I want to know what you learned yesterday, okay?
And I want to hear everything.
Did you know that atoms are smaller than a grain of sand?
How amazing is that?
So amazing!
And everything on this planet is made out of atoms.
Which is kind of strange
because I think that means that I'm the same as a piece of fruit
or a fish
or this chair!
(GASPS)
I'm me. God, I'm me. Thank you. Thank you.
God, look at that. Gorgeous!
God, it's so good to be back!
Oh, yeah.
Welcome home. I missed you.
Look at that, two perfectly shorn balls.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(ZIPPING UP)
Hi.
I left my purse. I would have called but...
But you left your phone in your purse.
Yeah. Right.
I just wanted to apologize, because I know
that I probably came off a little aggressive last night,
and I just wanted to say sorry.
No.
Don't apologize. I apologize.
I probably came off a little gay last night.
I hope you will allow me the opportunity to straighten things out for you.
Hey, guess what? It's breakfast time.
Do you want to get some breakfast?
Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God
to unite this man and this woman in the...
(TIRES SCREECH)
Mitch, you came.
I'm very, very touched. Thank you.
You're welcome, Dad.
Ooh!
Fuck me! This must be my new mom.
Hi, Mitch Planko.
Good. Thank you.
She's holding onto me.
Okay, good, let go.
Keep away from him. The man's a pervert.
ALL: Happy anniversary, Jamie and Dave!
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mitch Planko.
I was that nut sack's best man 10 years ago.
Here we go.
When we were kids, Dave and I, we had a lot of big plans.
Dave, he was going to be an astronaut,
and I was going to sell dolphins on the black market.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (SCOFFS) Astronaut!
There's a reason I'm not selling dolphins.
We live in Atlanta, they're tough to find.
And those things, they don't sleep,
which also makes it real hard to catch them.
But I think that we all know
that life doesn't always turn out exactly how you plan it.
Sometimes,
just sometimes,
it turns out better.
Dave, /think there's a reason
that you're not wa/king on the moon right now.
It's because you belong here,
in your life,
with that incredible woman sitting beside you.
Can we please raise our Kamikaze shots
to my two best friends, please?
To Dave and Jamie.
ALL: Dave and Jamie!
Happy anniversary.
ALL: Happy anniversary!
How did I do? You're such a poet.
You're Robert Frost. Who?
It doesn't matter. God, you're good looking.
Yeah.
I'm going to meet you in five minutes. All right.
Okay.
I took care of you guys, huh?
We love you.
Oh... (LAUGHS)
Come on. Really?
Hey, buddy. I love you.
I love you, man.
How are things going at home? Good?
Yeah. I mean, come on.
Yeah. Yeah, it's great. It's fantastic.
Good. Yeah.
What about you? What about Sabrina?
Good. It's good. We're taking things slow, but it's good.
Is it weird that I miss your penis?
Come on. It would be weird if you didn't.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
JAMIE: What are we doing here?
We're doing this.
Huh?
A little treat from Uncle Mitch.
Do you remember how to do this?
(LAUGHING) okay.
Oh.
I know. Mmm.
(COUGHING)
it's fun, though, right?
Yay! Let's go look at some fish.
Okay.
MITCH: Oh, God!
(BOTH MOANING)
(MITCH EXCLAIMING)
SABRINA: Oh, my God!
Ow! What the hell was that? Oh.
Explain yourself!
You've never heard of the Bryant Gumbel?
(PANTING) Let's do that again.
(SABRINA GIGGLING)
Why?
Mitch sent us a video. Yeah? That's weird.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
No entry!
Steve Driver, you perfect bastard, you!
(UNZIPPING)
(MONA EXCLAIMING)
Oh, no.
Oh, Steve, it's like Christmas in my ass!
What are you doing with my wife, man?
DAVE: Dimitri? VALTAN: Hey, join the fuck party.
Let's make lady sandwich. Okay.
Oh, my God. Not very well made, huh?
When was that shot? Who Knows? Probably years ago.
"Thank you for covering me last week. Love what you did with my hair."
Hey!
(JAMIE GASPS) (CLATTERING)
You got with a man?
Dimitri was surprisingly gentle, and we were very safe.
Uh-huh.
He smelt a little like lamb, though.
That pooper shot looked real. No. God, please, don't!
It did. Oh, God.
Dave? What?
Can you change my oil?
(CHUCKLING) No, I can't!
I'm gonna cut my thumbs off tomorrow, I swear to God.
And we're gonna destroy that thing first thing in the morning. Okay?
I don't want you to. I like it.
Hey, hey! Oh! It's growing in so nicely.
Yeah. Real in-between phase.
It's like Sonny Crockett down there.